I'm not sure WTF just happened, but I think I just hurt someone who means the world to me. I think I may have let her in enough to inflict the same damage on me. Not in a tit-for-tat way, but more of an "I'm a real asshole and she pointed that out to me " way.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in a state of total confusion. How do I respect her wishes to not become attached and "needy" and still let her in my heart? How do I manage to get to know her without falling even deeper than I already have?
How can I prevent her from hurting me, and at the same time take steps to care about her more.
For her it started physical. For me it started as more some time ago.
Then we did it. We had sex. It was under strict rules that it was only physical and that it "can't get weird".
I lied and siad I was good with that. All the while thinking I could win her over.
Now it appears my attempts at isolating myself and alienated her. I have done a very good job at making her believe that I don't care, when that is so far from the truth.
It is too late to express to her what I am feeling. It is too late to show her the true depth of my caring. The depth of my love.
I have spent the last 2 years emotionally "turned off" and maybe I haven't done such a good job at turning it back on.
I really thought that we would fall in love.
But now when she looks at me all I see is anger and hate.
I guess it is more clear to me why I am still single at 36.
She deserves more than me. More than I could offer her. Maybe her not liking me is for the best. She has so much to offer. So much love and compasion. It would be wasted on a person like me.
I think I may need to remove myself from the situation.
1 comment:
Ok. I know this isn't a good time for you. Bigger fish to fry so they say. But you opened this can of worms. You invited this response.
I'm only responding because you asked me to (albeit indirectly by saying, "if you still have the link in your e-mail, and you read my blog, you'd know I was telling the truth").
So I read everything. WTF indeed. This blog I find particularly interesting. It was the night after what I fondly recall as "the tequila incident". There was some texting back and forth that day after, and I remember how relieved I was when you assured me it was all good, that things would be normal, no hurt feelings. But that night you wrote this blog. I believe I was hanging out alone in your kitchen, watching over Liam while Chris was doing erands. I was there for a couple hours, but no word from you. In fact, you were upstairs, packing, writing this blog and making plans with who you now say is the only woman you've ever felt so sure about.
Just look at this series of blogs. In just 10 days you've managed to "grieve the loss of your partner, your friend, your mate" (Elizabeth); ponder over how to "take steps to care about me", wondering how to "manage to get to know me without falling even deeper than you already have"; all the while fishing online for a weekend escape and hopeful hook-up. Odd that your blogs don't mention her... funny how specific your honesty can be...
So all this drama in 10 days. What I want to know is how you couldn't predict with 100% accuracy what my reaction would be. No kidding I can't look you in the eye, you remind me of how cheap my value can be. Odd that your disappearances always coincided with perceived rejection. I'm not saying you were weak and ran to inflict guilt, I'm just saying I'd go for days after a "not tonight" type episode, wondering where you were and if you were okay.
And the i-vibe... that one is so incredibly embarassing it hurts my toes. Gawd. Why can't she look at me. Christ. How could I?
Whatever the reason, I feel like running away whenever I see you. Like I don't want you to see me.
And it happens all the time.
In my own home.
My refuge. My retreat. I get to be reminded on a regular basis that I'm one of several, I'm nothing truly special, and that I created all these negative feelings because after five years I got horny.
Great summer for the ego. Yah... not so much.
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